Well, Alright I Guess.

Did your life ever seriously make you question what the fuck your efforts are for?
I mean, really. Do you ever stop and shake your head, just to rattle around the crazy shit inside there? I'm constantly doing that now. I'm almost ready to say, "Well maybe there is a God." Because honestly, this is just getting fucking ridiculous. I have GOT to be someone or something's ugly little puppet.
I spent over three months with my mother in Vermont. I left a life that I was building to rush to her side. I was only supposed to stay for a few weeks. But instead, months went by. I stayed because she professed to me time after time that she wanted to leave her fiance and either get back with my step-dad (whom I consider my father) or have her and I go off on our own with the boys. Somehow, every time she does this, I fall right into it and allow everything in my life to be altered to cater to what her clouded goal is.
I'm an idiot because I thought she was actually going to leave the schmuck. He makes her miserable. They fight all the time. He's never around to be a father figure. He blows his money on stupid shit. As basic as it gets - He's just not an adult and not what she needs. She cries over him repeatedly. But who am I to judge? That's not my life, its my mothers. She should, on her own whimsy, be able to choose what she does, right? Of course. But why the hell would she pull me into the mess, make me believe one thing, waste over three months of my time, fill me up with promises, and then stay with him?
It just hurts. Really, it does. A lot.
Not only that, but I need a job. If I don't find a job within the next two weeks then I'll have to move. My rent is ridiculously cheap but without employment, I'll have to leave.
My grammy is in the hospital. Cancer all over her body. She's been living for a long time with that pain and never told any of us. How is that alright? Why is that okay? Why does this happen all the time? And how unfair are we, the people who were around her, to never have noticed that her decline was that awful?
I hear that death comes in threes. She'd be the third. Nana died on July 4th, 2010. Danny died on March 31st, 2011. I don't want the next one to be her. I could go without a lot of things, but not her. She's been in my life for such a long time, and she's always loved me. Even when I dressed weird and was a total bum. She showered me with candy and cigarettes and the most amazing stories about her life. We watch soap operas together and talk about Tim Allen and Betty White. We used to take one another out for dinner, too. Before she got too sick.
I feel like I am (yes, cliche coming) losing a best friend. And there's just not a damn thing I can do about it.
On top of all that, my youngest brother, 8 years old, has to go get brain and body scans and a crockpot mix of other shit because he's been having sever night terrors since he was very, very little and he has tics that have gotten significantly more worse in just the past few months. I'm worried about him. He's so little and I fear that something really is quite wrong with him. But once again, what do I do? What can I do, is more like the question I should be asking. And the answer is nothing. There is not one single thing I can do about any of this bullshit because none of it is directly my own problem. But yet, it is totally breaking me down.
I've got those things on my mind, and a few other smaller things too. And everyone around me is all, "Help me, my boyfriend and I have stupid, petty issues that can be resolved between us, but I'm a needy, whiny bitch and want you to feel for my situation so please, help me blow this out of proportion so I have something to really feel terrible about and blame x, y and z for!"
I can't get a word in about my problems that EVER provokes a true, sympathetic response or even some advice. I mean seriously, as stupid as I believe some of the people I associate are - I'd even settle for a shitty half-assed remark from one of them, such as, "Chin up, man. Life goes on. Why don't you read a book to get your mind off of it." SERIOUSLY.
Whatever. I'll rot like and continue to help everyone else color-coordinate their underwear and cheer them on while they eat less calories to make a point to their fathers. Whaaaatever.